Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

*** - This film was a surprisingly decent follow-up to the slightly-less-than-decent first film. The Silver Surfer has always been a favorite of mine, so maybe that has skewed my outlook some. Admittedly, the Galactus-as-some-weirdass-cloud thing was kind of dumb, but the story in this one was a step up from the prior film, and there weren’t as many goofy lines and scenes, either. If you have to see one “FF” film (and you don’t, really) then see this one.

Fantastic Four

**1/2 - First off, the guy that played the Human Torch annoyed the hell out of me. Yeah, I know he isn’t supposed to be the most sympathetic character, but geez… I found myself wanting Doctor Doom to smash his face in. Anyways, besides that, “Fantastic Four” wasn’t a horrible superhero film. The dialogue was poor at best, but there was some good action, and the story wasn’t completely laughable. The Oh-No-I’m-Naked Invisible Bitch jokes were pretty lame, though.

Stardust

***1/2 – “Stardust” is a pretty entertaining adventure/fantasy lark that I put on my Netflix queue because it got a lot of comparisons to one of my favorite movies of all time, “The Princess Bride”. While it’s not as good as that movie, it is mostly enjoyable, and features a hilarious cameo/bit role from Ricky Gervais, who I did not know was even in it. Bob DeNiro, in his strangest role since Rupert Pupkin, portrays the gay captain of a floating pirate ship that captures lightning bolts (yes, you read that right).

District 9

**** - The most memorable thing about this film is probably the fact that the CG aliens in it are about the most well integrated that I’ve seen in any movie. Beyond that, it has a pretty interesting story and some fairly decent action scenes, as well. The documentary style of the first hour or so may turn some off, but I found it pretty engrossing. I look forward to “District 10” (or whatever the hinted-at sequel is going to be called).

G.I. Joe: Resolute

** - This 60-minute compilation of 5 minute episodes from the new G.I Joe animated series is more entertaining than the recent G.I. Joe movie, but that isn’t really great praise. One thing that struck me while watching this was how bad the voice-acting was. I loved the backgrounds and landscapes, but the actual animation was choppy and distracting. Like the old G.I. Joe cartoons from the ‘80s, this series had the infuriating trait of having ridiculous close-proximity gun battles in which roughly a jillion shots were fired and no one was actually hit.

Avatar

*** - One thing that no one can take away from this ludicrously overhyped movie is the fact that it is visually stunning. Unfortunately, that is about all it has going for it. The story is predictable, derivative and clearly aimed at dullards and kids. The acting (especially the guy in the lead role who tries to sound like a New Englander) is mostly awful and the characters are silly stereotypes. It’s still pretty fun to watch, though. Be that as it may, I’m flabbergasted that this got a standing ovation at the theatre I saw it in.

Revolver

** – Simultaneously confusing, intriguing, obvious and dull, Guy Ritchie’s “Revolver” is nowhere near being in the same league as “Lock Stock”, “Snatch” or “RocknRolla”. While Ritchie is normally good for at least stylish and interesting directing techniques, this one looks like it was shot by a spastic having a particularly active fit. While the movie’s basic story is pretty good and some of the characters are pretty neat, the big plot twist at the end could be seen from a mile away which almost makes this annoying to watch.

Terminator: Salvation

**1/2 – Batman, Chekhov and the guy from “Avatar” star in this 4th installment of the “Terminator” series which, while by no means a great movie, is certainly the best since the original. McG – who deserves a swift kick to the groin for giving himself that moniker – directs this about as artfully as a Nickelback video, but the robots looks pretty neat and there’s a fair amount of entertainment value. Be sure to keep your eyes open for the extremely creepy CG-version of the Arnie-style T-800 terminator.

Up

**** - A house being lifted by balloons, dogs with collars that allow them to talk, and a giant bird that acts and sounds exactly like Huxley are just some of the highlights of what is probably Pixar’s most bizarre release yet. The story was original, entertaining and even kind of touching, while - as always - the Pixar animation is outstanding. The only negatives I can think of are the occasional lame clunker of a joke and the little fat kid, who was a bit tiresome at times.

Future Zone

* - Unlike its predecessor “Future Force”, this unnecessary sequel manages to look slightly better than as if it was filmed by some yutz wandering around an industrial park with a camcorder. However, the acting is no better; although star David Carradine does at least look to be in less of a beery haze this time out. The highlight of this movie is the fact that Carradine has apparently traded in his old, worn-out Jeep Cherokee from the first film and replaced it with an even older, more worn-out Dodge RamCharger. I guess Reaganomics even took its toll on aging, barely-mobile action stars.

Future Force

* - David Carradine stars as a paunchy Levi-wearing Rent-A-Cop of the future (mid-1990s) who dispenses justice from the back of his beat-up Jeep Cherokee using a six-shooter and a Nintendo PowerGlove. This Miller Lite fueled slab of pure ‘80s garbage is one of the most ambitiously bad movies I have ever had the pleasure of watching. I’ve seen some poor acting in my day, but I think this one takes the prize for worst ever combined performance by a cast. About a quarter of this film takes place inside the most depressing nudie bar you’ll ever see.

The Chronicles of Riddick

**1/2 - Bald lunkhead Vin Diesel is the anchor that weighs down this overlong sequel to the surprisingly good (yet only tangentially related) sci-fi thriller “Pitch Black”. The effects, backgrounds and art direction in this are excellent, and there are some pretty well done action sequences, but all that can’t entirely make up for the crappy acting and derivative story. Dame Judy Dench, who should have known better, was also in this film.

Franklyn

**1/2 - Several not particularly lucid storylines wind their way through this “Dark City”-influenced sci-fi noir film that includes some of the most strangely detached performances I have ever witnessed. The varying stories only loosely tie themselves together at the end, which is a little disappointing, but there is enough intrigue to keep it somewhat entertaining. Lead actors Ryan Philippe, Eva Green and that guy who played Ian Curtis in “Control” didn’t do a bad job, per se, but they were never very convincing, either.

9

***1/2 – “9” (not to be confused with “Nine”, “District 9”, “9 1/2 Weeks” or “8 1/2”) is the story of a bunch of little sock-puppet robots with human consciousness, and their struggle to survive in a Matrix-like machine-dominated world in which mankind has been obliterated. Dialogue is pretty sparse, especially in the first half of the film, but the stunning visuals and interesting plot keep it pretty engaging. The end sort of comes out of nowhere, though, and could have been more fleshed out.

Zombieland

*** - I’ve never really been a fan of zombie flicks - or the horror genre, in general – so when movies come along that attempt to skewer those types of films, I am usually game for them. Unfortunately, I am often disappointed by these parodies. “Zombieland”, luckily, is a rare exception, in that it contains enough humor to be watchable pretty much all the way through. Aging bong connoisseur Woody Harrelson is the main reason for this movie being decent, as he has some pretty good lines.

The Invention Of Lying

***1/2 – A thankfully non-traditional romantic comedy starring Ricky Gervais and the annoyingly bubbly Jennifer Garner. It starts out a little slow, but has a pretty neat idea behind it that only really becomes clear in the second half. It receives at least an extra star in my rating due to the presence of Gervais, who is especially funny when explaining his 'new knowledge’ to a large crowd about halfway through the film.

Pandorum

***1/2 – Dennis Quaid, half a dozen people covered in filth, and a bunch of pale, skinny, hairless freaks feature in this surprisingly well-produced and fairly interesting sci-fi story. The sleeper ship Elysium is on its way to colonize a far away planet… and, yeah, you can probably guess what happens from there. A tad predictable, and relies a bit heavily on horror sequences at times a la the ‘Alien’ series, but still a pretty neat movie.

Alien Trespass

**1/2 – This Canadian release is a not altogether painful homage to (not a spoof of) 1950s sci-fi movies that features the guy from that one gay show, the guy who played the father in the ‘Wonder Years’ and the guy who was the liquid metal terminator in ‘T2’. It's not without its charm, but like the movies it is honoring, this film is actually fairly dull and stupid. Oh, and the aliens look just like Kang and Kodos from ‘The Simpsons’.

Extract

*** – A well performed and written comedy that has a number of bright spots interspersed with some moments that don’t really work, which is par for the course for anything Mike Judge has done that isn’t called ‘Office Space’. Great work from Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman and most of the rest of the cast, which goes to show that Judge’s greatest talent is probably good casting. Nowhere near as funny as ‘Office Space’, but certainly worth a watch.

Night Skies

* – This “film” is a pathetic dramatization of (speculated) events surrounding the 1997 ‘Phoenix Lights’ UFO event that contains sub-TV movie production values and very poor acting. Four foul-mouthed morons, a hillbilly and a slut are picked off one-by-one by inexplicably malevolent aliens, which is actually okay by me, because every person in the film is extraordinarily unappealing in one way or another. This would be ideal for the MST3K treatment if it weren’t for the extremely salty language.

Ink

*** - Jimmy Durante covered in oily rags and Stephen Hawking with a pane of glass attached to his face kidnap the soul of a young girl, whose only hope to be saved is a group of people who look like they’re straight out of a 1980s Madonna video. Odd as it sounds, it’s actually not a bad movie. Some nice effects, but the story is a little weak and the “twist” ending is pretty transparent.

Timecrimes

** - A poorly-dubbed Spanish film starring some guy who looks like a makeup-less clown. I was hopeful that this would be good based on its description, but it turned out to have the kind of story a high school freshman might write to warn of the dangers of time travel. The awful dubbing is very distracting. It was apparently written and directed by a guy named Nacho something, so I guess I shouldn’t have had expected much.

There Will Be Blood

**1/2 – Critically-acclaimed film that I guess is pretty decent, but it was slow and plodding at times, and definitely overlong. It stars Daniel “I won’t take the part unless I can play it as a crazy bastard” Day-Lewis as a super-villainy oil guy who spends most of the movie grunting and/or yelling. It’s the kind of movie that is just sort of “there” and never does anything to grab the viewer’s interest.

Primer

*** – I consider myself a pretty smart guy, but even after two viewings of this time travel flick I had a mountain of trouble figuring out what the hell was going on. Still, I could discern a pretty neat idea under all the confusion. It is very short (77 minutes) and has a kind of an amateurish student film feel to it, but that doesn’t really detract from the overall package.

Transsiberian

*1/2 – Falsely advertised as a “thrilling, suspenseful mystery”, yet I could detect no particular mystery, no thrills, and very little suspense. Still, it’s not a bad film, and had some really nice Siberian scenery (i.e. snow, ice, broken-down vehicles and burned-out buildings). Stars marijuana industry bankroller Woody Harrelson, Ben Kingsley in an array of goofy hats, and some creepy Spanish guy.

RocknRolla

***1/2 – A quality film that proves Guy Ritchie can indeed make good movies like he did before he allowed himself into the clutches of the conically-brassiered she-demon known as Madonna. Well written and shot, featuring fine performances from most of the ensemble cast, with the exception of mush-mouthed Scotsman Gerard Butler, who received top billing despite the fact that he makes Adam “Beelzebub” Sandler look like Humphrey Bogart.

In The Name Of the King

*1/2 – This one is a video game-based sword-and-sorcery film helmed by Uwe Boll that is jaw-droppingly incompetent on nearly every level. Features Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds – both of whom appear to have been heavily medicated during filming - as well as one of the more annoying bits of overacting I’ve ever witnessed by that guy who played Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movies.

The Bank Job

*** - British heist film starring Jason Statham and some anorexic broad. Watchable, but not particularly memorable. Lots of nudity, if that's your thing.