Push

**1/2 – This movie had a dark quality that I wasn’t expecting. The guy who played the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four films was the star, and everyone else in it was either a young (13-16 years old, I would say) girl or someone I had never seen before. The basic premise was a bit of a stretch, but if one buys into that, there is some enjoyment to be had here. The ending seemed to set up a very unlikely sequel, though, which was somewhat unsatisfying.

The Hangover

***1/2 - A very amusing film overall, with a great performance from “Daily Show” alum Ed Helms and a surprisingly funny turn by Zach Galifiniakis, whose standup routines I am not at all fond of. Even in the parts in which the jokes didn’t necessarily work perfectly, the writers of the film managed to keep it interesting by throwing in a pretty neat little mystery-lite storyline. The only things in this that I didn’t really care for were the little gay Chinese fella, who I found extremely irritating, and a far too-frequent usage of shots of naked male asses. Also, whether it is tongue-in-cheek or not, the use of that stupid “Who Let the Dogs Out” song in a film is never acceptable.

The Men Who Stare at Goats

***1/2 – A star-studded cast including George Clooney, Ewan MacGregor, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges feature in this comedy based on the US military’s factual pursuit of ‘psychic warfare’ technology. The film was nicely shot and acted for the most part, with a minor exception in Ewan MacGregor’s less-than-convincing American accent. This one didn’t receive a whole lot of positive reviews, but it certainly had some funny parts, and I liked it despite the fact that the meandering story was kind of goofy and the comedy had some overly broad moments. The frequent Jedi references must have been pretty annoying for Ewan “Obi-Wan” MacGregor to put up with.

Cloverfield

** - For whatever reason, most modern monster-based horror movies have seemed to feel the need to try to lull the viewer into a false sense of security by forcing them to watch a bunch of unappealing characters party with each other for the first hour or so of run time. That’s how this film starts out. While the monster (finally) attacking and picking off the unrealistic champagne-swilling yuppie jackasses in this film is marginally satisfying, the movie as a whole is rather daft. And the end is pure crap.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

*1/2 - Yet another film in which there is some sort of tenuous connection made between Vampires and Werewolves. I will confess that I am not the greatest monster scholar on the planet, but I can’t recall ever hearing about any sort of Vampire-Werewolf relationship until the last decade or so. Now, every vampire-based movie that comes out has werewolves tossed in as well. What’s next? Frankenstein and a mummy in a three-way with the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Anyway, this sequel to 2008’s “Twilight” is every bit as dumb as the first movie. It manages to advance all the dopey subplots of the original in small increments, while simultaneously introducing new subplots AND bringing the main storyline to a grinding halt. I gave this an extra ½ star because there is one splendidly ridiculous scene in which a Rasta vampire gets eaten by a pack of unconvincing CG werewolves

Twilight

* - One could very fairly wonder why on Earth I would have any interest in this kind of movie. And I’ll freely admit that the main reason I put “Twilight” and its sequel on my Netflix queue is that I really enjoy skewering the occasional piece of rubbish. This seemed like it would give me that opportunity, and it didn’t let me down there at all. To sum “Twilight” up in two words, I would call it this: cash grab. The book series that this is based on apparently has a rather rabid fan-base of young girls and gays, and it is easy to see why, as the superficiality present in the thought processes of all the characters is mind-boggling. This movie features horrendous dialogue, a stupid plot and stupider subplots, and loads of well-groomed young people in tight pants lusting after each other in vaguely menacing ways. It’s kind of a young vampire slut soap opera.

Food, Inc.

**** - This is one of those rare successful documentaries that make one want to immediately change their lifestyle. While it didn’t really work on me (as I was chomping on pepperoni and Doritos while watching, and as I write this review as well), it still has the potential to introduce a clueless demographic to issues that it is unfamiliar with. Parts of this film have an unfortunate schlocky quality, but for the most part it works well toward achieving its apparent goal of people demanding what they need and not what they are trained to want.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

*1/2 – Being a huge fan of the G.I. Joe mythos, I find that the unnecessary changes made to the characters and themes of the series/comics are only small parts of why this adaptation blows. The movie is very visual-heavy, but the special effects are pretty poor and unconvincing. The physics behind the action sequences is unrealistic to say the least. The serious dialogue is laughable, and the lines that are supposed to be funny are painful. Whether one is a fan of G.I. Joe or not this movie is nearly unwatchable.

Gran Torino

*** – Despite the fact that he is now like a hundred years old, I’m still pretty sure that Clint Eastwood could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to. Or, at the very least, he could grab me by the throat and growl an obscenity-laced threat at me in that raspy voice of his, and make me poop my pants and run away (with knees pressed together in a vain attempt to keep feces from running into my shoes). Anyway, Clint stars in this film as a racist old Korean War vet who is simultaneously despised and worshipped by a large Vietnamese family that lives next door to him. One kid gets shot, another gets raped and beaten, but Clint gets his revenge in the end... sort of.

Star Trek

*** - I must say that I am at least a little puzzled by the extreme critical praise of this film. Sure, it is fairly entertaining, and manages to cleverly skirt around the Trekker-worshipped canon of the original series, but I didn’t find it to be all that fantastic. The acting was decent but unspectacular, the unnecessary modernized sexualization of the characters was irritating, and the villains were goofy and unconvincing. Oh well, I guess average Trek is better than no Trek.

Astro Boy

***1/2 – One of the least original stories possible and derivative, stereotypical characters are easily outweighed by the absolutely stunning animation and design work in this film based on an apparently old and revered Japanese ‘Manga’ series. With all the hype that movies like “Avatar” get, I think this flick far surpassed it visually, and had a story that was no less stellar (and much shorter, thankfully). It certainly makes one realize that marketing muscle is probably the reason that certain films make billions of dollars while others are relative flops at the box office.

The Fourth Kind

** - Along with “Blair Witch Project”, this is one of the bigger fake-outs in the history of cinema. The filmmakers go well out of their way to try to make one feel as though this movie is based on true events of alien abductions and missing persons and such in Nome, Alaska. However, it doesn’t take any research to make one realize that this story is about as real as an elderly Asian woman who is a competent motorist. Be that as it may, parts of this flick are watchable, and the acting is decent. The story is ok for the first hour or so, until it devolves into goofy lightweight horror.

Che

*** - This movie is four and a half hours long, chopped into two 2+ hour chunks. How anyone could sit in the theatre that long and watch this is beyond me. I had some difficulty watching it in my underpants from the comfort of my bed in short one hour bursts. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie or anything. It’s just really, really long. It’s a story that covers Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s life as a revolutionary in Cuba and Bolivia. He is a rather polarizing figure, so if you think he was great, you’ll love this. If you think he was a cowardly terd, you probably won’t. Personally, I don’t give shit one way or the other, ergo the 3-star rating.