1408: Director’s Cut

**1/2 – Goofy-looking dope John Cusack portrays a goofy-looking, alcoholic, bad-horror-story-writing dope in this strange but not completely unwatchable mystery/horror/thriller. Cusack forces himself to stay in a haunted room (the titular #1408) at a haunted hotel run by Samuel L. Jackson, whose performance in this is actually slightly more wooden than he was as Mace Windu, believe it or not. Bonus points go to this version of the movie for using the ending in which Cusack goes mental and burns himself to a crisp.

Waiting for Guffman

**** - The first in a series of three Christopher Guest created satirical mockumentaries (not including “Spinal Tap”, of course), “Waiting for Guffman” skewers small town middle Americans and their tendency to be simultaneously untalented and oblivious to their lack of talent. It’s not hard to tell upon watching this that it had a rather significant influence on Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant, as their “The Office” uses a very similar format and the David Brent character has a rather ‘Guest-ian’ feel to it (in retrospect). The movie is quite funny throughout, with especially good performances by Fred Willard as the ultra-pompous ‘experienced actor’ and Guest himself as the clearly homosexual theatre director. Some characters were a bit hit and miss (such as Catherine O’Hara’s) and occasionally crossed the thin line between funny to annoying, but overall it was nicely acted and written.

Invictus

*** - I must admit that I don’t understand the game of rugby at all. If I were to put some effort into it, I’m sure I could figure it out (it doesn’t seem all that complicated), but as it stands I know virtually nothing about how the game works. This movie about South Africa’s run to the 1995 Rugby World Cup Championship, and new president Nelson Mandela’s attempt to unite his people behind the mostly-Afrikaner team, features a whole lot of rugby. In fact, the last 45 minutes is nothing but rugby action interspersed with some strangely assembled montage footage of various groups of people watching rugby. Until that point, though, the movie is not too bad. Morgan Freemandle is a pretty convincing Mandela, and I’ve always had a fascination with South Africa, so that probably skews my rating upwards a little bit. If you don’t find either rugby or South Africa interesting, then this is not the film for you.

Mutant Chronicles

** - This video game-based movie starring Thomas Jane is in the genre of what the kids these days call ‘steampunk’, meaning a mixture of futuristic techno stuff and 1800’s railroad-type stuff. Frankly, I find the whole idea behind that sort of thing to be logically specious, at best. In any event, besides the flaws endowed upon this movie by its ‘steampunk’ association, it was pretty lame. Lots of big, goofy machines shooting stuff with dialogue consisting mostly of things like “Run!” and “Let’s Go!”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

*** - It is claimed that this David Fincher film was based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, when in reality I think we all know that it is based on the incoherent ramblings of Karl Pilkington. Brad Pitt stars as a guy who is born as an old man and lives his life backwards until he dies at the age of zero. At center stage is his romance with an ultra-slutty ballet dancer (Cate Blanchett), which is both creepy and difficult to fathom, but the film has its entertaining bits and is, in some ways, fairly inspirational. Be that as it may, it was close to 3 hours long and apparently cost $160 million to make, which sounds awfully high for a movie that doesn’t have huge explosions, giant robots or blue cat-monkey things in it. There is a strange Hurricane Katrina-related subplot, the purpose of which I have yet to figure out.

Sherlock Holmes

***1/2 - Guy Ritchie re-imagines Sherlock Holmes as a balls-out action hero in this adaptation of the classic literary character. While the excellent mystery and detective work aspects of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Holmes remain intact in this ultra-modernized version, the heavy action orientation was a little off-putting to me. That being said, the film was visually stunning and directed beautifully by Ritchie, who is always good for loads of flashy, eye-catching sequences. Unlike most of today’s filmgoers, I am of the opinion that tons of action are in actuality not necessarily needed to enhance a story, so I didn’t think this was as good as it could have been. Still, the plot was intriguing (albeit somewhat formulaic) and I breathed a great sigh of relief when it was revealed at the end that the occult crap was all a ruse. There are enough films out there featuring black magic and whatnot without Sherlock Holmes having to have it tossed into his world.

Below

*** - Written by Darren Aronofsky and directed by David “Pitch Black” Twohy, “Below” is the story of a haunted World War II submarine and the misadventures that her crew have while trying to return home from battle. It starts out a bit slowly, but the action and thriller elements eventually steamroll into a pretty enjoyable flick, although the conclusion leaves something to be desired. It wasn’t without its boring stretches, but it remained entertaining enough to be watchable. It was well shot by Twohy, but the look, feel and dialogue don’t really seem to fit all that well into the World War II era, so it was a bit anachronistic in that sense. A bonus in this film is that two main characters are guys who starred in “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” (and I don’t think those guys get enough work), and Les from “The Search for One-eye Jimmy” was also heavily featured.

Night Train

**1/2 – Danny “did you just call me Coltrane” Glover and Steve “I am a lot less funny than I think I am” Zahn star as the conductor and a passenger (respectively) on a train full of weirdoes in this unspectacular but somewhat watchable film. The death of a passenger carrying some sort of mysterious box sets in motion a rather odd and insidious series of events that results in about 30 murders and several smashed up boxcars on a train that is apparently on a non-stop loop somewhere really cold and snowy. While it starts out pretty neat, it loses most of its momentum about halfway through, and then attempts a foray into the world of supernatural thrillers which doesn’t really work all that well. It also had about three endings, which - if my calculations are correct - is approximately two too many.

The Messenger

*** - His highness of the hookah Woody Harrelson and some other guy who I think I’ve seen in something before but can’t be sure are the leads in this average film about army guys who go around informing next of kin that a relative has died in the line of duty (or, more likely, was accidentally shot in the face by his bunkmate when he was mistaken for an actual dragon while playing a drunken game of ‘Dungeons & Dragons’). I’m not really all that fond of this type of movie that goes overboard with girly emotional crap and unending streams of scenes featuring family members bawling over lost loved ones, but this movie had some decent moments and enough solid performances to keep me fairly interested. I never get tired of seeing ole Woody stumble around drunkenly.

Edge of Darkness

*** - While it looked at first like it was going to be another in a long line of by-the-numbers-curmudgeonly-yet-loving-tough-guy-who-has-family-member-brutally-murdered-and-goes-on-kill-crazy-rampage type of flick, “Edge of Darkness” actually turned out to be more of a conspiracy theory thriller movie. The break from the norm in this crowded genre was refreshing, and although the outcome was never really in doubt at any point, it was actually relatively enjoyable to watch. The only real stumbling blocks were Mel Gibson’s awkward attempt to take on a New England accent and the extremely cheesy ending. Otherwise, there was enough mystery and action to make it worth watching, although I can’t imagine it having any sort of replay value.

A Sound of Thunder

*1/2 – This film adaptation of a Ray Bradbury short story was critically panned and a commercial disaster, and upon viewing it, it is not too hard to see why. While the basic idea behind this time travel story is okay (albeit fairly unoriginal, even for the time when it was written), the shoddy, ill-conceived details are what cause it to fall into the realm of scientifically dubious garbage. For example, the apex predator in the alternate reality that is created (via a time travel incident) was some sort of giant, carnivorous, armored baboon-lizard that sleeps hanging upside down from trees like a bat. Not only is there that type of silliness, but the laughable special effects make “Anaconda” look like “Avatar” in comparison. If you do find yourself in a position in which you wind up watching this movie (and I recommend you avoid such a situation at all costs), one thing you might enjoy is Ben Kingsley’s bizarre performance and goofy-looking wig.

Black Books: Series 1

***1/2 – While this 6-episode first series of a 2000 British sitcom starts out pretty slowly – in fact, the first episode is nearly unwatchably bereft of humor – the comedy really ramped up as the season progressed, turning it into a quality show overall. If the whole series was as funny as the final two or three episodes this set would have probably gotten a 4 ½-star rating. However, the first couple of episodes really hurt the overall score. It’s set in a bookshop and features three main characters with only a few smaller roles, so it isn’t exactly a broad, lively type of comedy. The dry humor works really well for the most part, but some unfunny sight gags and physical comedy keep it from being what I would consider a classic. I do have a significant amount of hope for the 2nd and 3rd series, though.

Let the Right One In

** - I think one of the main factors in my less-than-fond opinion of the horror genre is that my morose and stoic nature doesn’t allow me to frighten easily. Even if that was not the case, and the genre did give me that adrenaline rush that many get from it, I don’t think this Swedish film would have had any impact on me anyway. Leave it to the Swedes to create a horror/thriller that was not horrifying in the least and had no thrills whatsoever. It was, however, pretty nicely shot, well directed and had a couple of all-too-brief unsettling moments. On the other hand, it moved as slow as molasses and starred mainly kids; and in my opinion, you’ll never get the nuanced performances from a kid that you will from an adult.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

**1/2 – I usually like Sam Rockwell, but his portrayal of Zaphod Beeblebrox in this adaptation of the classic Douglas Adams book is borderline reprehensible. While the visuals and effects are good, the actors seem to struggle to bring the dry comedy of the novel across. The girl who played Trillian was very annoying, and Marvin the Paranoid Android looked ridiculous. A pretty disappointing film all-in-all.

Battle for Terra

*** - In this gorgeously animated but admittedly strange tale, humans have blown up the Earth, Venus and Mars, and decide to move out into the stars on a large ‘ark’ to the planet Terra, where they proceed to attempt to annihilate the nature loving cricket-tadpole-fish-bird creatures that already live there. One traitorous human decides to switch sides and help the hippie peacenik natives fend off the human invasion and thwart their plan. While this movie certainly looks nice and has quite a bit of entertainment value, the voice acting is poor, and the story has the same preachy, allegorical tone that many modern films (“Avatar” etc) seem so fond of espousing. Probably worth sitting through once - especially since it’s less than 90 minutes long – but I can’t give it too hearty of a recommendation.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

** - Along with the Hulk and the Silver Surfer, Wolverine has always been one of my favorite comic book heroes. I have been somewhat dismayed, however, at the attention (and silly revisions) that his back story has received in various media. This movie epitomizes all of my above-mentioned dismay. Also, what’s the deal with Deadpool in this? He should have been able to kill everyone with the powers they gave him. Dumb. There’s lots of mindless action, though, if you like that sort of thing.

Solaris

***1/2 – Sometime in the future (exactly how far in the future is not made entirely clear), George Clooney is a psychologist/astronaut who is sent on a mission to investigate some unexplained goings-on aboard a ship orbiting the planet Solaris. While the movie is beautifully shot and designed, I found it somewhat disappointing that it turned out to be more of a psychological drama in a sci-fi setting rather than a flat-out science fiction film. Be that as it may, I still thought it was pretty entertaining to watch despite some slow parts and an overabundance of unclothed Clooney butt. This movie is a remake of a Russian film from the 1970s, and assuming the plot of the original (which I have not seen) was relatively unchanged for this version, I now see the movie “Star Trek Generations” in an even less flattering light than I did before.

The Final Cut

** - This is one heck of an aimless and meandering film. The premise (people having implants put in their heads at birth that record everything that they see in their lives) is kind of okay, but the pace is slow, the acting is shoddy and the storytelling is so convoluted that it can’t maintain any sort of interest. Robin Williams is marginally watchable as the lead, but everybody else was either awful or incoherent, especially Mira Sorvino and Jim Caviezel (fashioning an even less convincing beard than the one he had when he played Jesus). People popped in and out of the story at random and plot threads were introduced and dropped at will. This had the feeling of a film in which the writers thought they were making some grand statement that will be taken to heart by audience members and have life-changing ramifications. Unfortunately, it was just boring.

The Box

*** - Writer/director Richard “Donnie Darko” Kelly’s 3rd feature film is based on a short story that I am pretty sure was either made into a “Twilight Zone” episode some time ago, or is rather similar in plot to one, anyway. I’ve always disliked the way the “Twilight Zone” stories were overly truncated to fit into their rather short format, but this two-hour film goes to the opposite end of the spectrum by stretching out a somewhat tenuous premise to include lengthy silences and several irrelevant scenes. The basic idea here is pretty neat, and the movie has some pretty good parts, but I can’t really endorse going out of one’s way to see it… especially since the now hideously ugly Cameron Diaz – who I didn’t even really have any interest in watching ten years ago when she was marginally attractive and had semen in her hair – is heavily featured in it. She looks like her face has been run over by a truck. Cyclops from the “X-Men” films is also in this, for what it’s worth.

21

**1/2 – A solid but unspectacular entry in the gambling/poker/blackjack/cardshark genre of film, “21” is relatively entertaining to watch despite some obvious deficiencies. It looks decent and has mostly solid performances from the cast that includes Morpheus, Keyser Soze, Lois Lane and a bunch of nobodies, but doesn’t do anything to make itself stand out in what is becoming a rather crowded niche of film types. My biggest beef with this movie is not the plot or acting or anything like that, but the somewhat offensive premise that is implied; that everyone in the world really just wants to go to Vegas and have fun and that nothing else in life is worth bothering with. The portrayal of two tubby nerds (friends of the main character) as brilliant yet sex-obsessed losers who would trade all their knowledge and abilities for a chance to tag Kate Bosworth is more than a little infuriating.

Hollywoodland

**1/2 - “Hollywoodland” tells the story of the mysterious death – which is officially recognized as a suicide - of actor George Reeves, who is best remembered as Superman from the horrendous 1950’s live-action serials. Scenes of a private investigator (Adrien Brody) looking into details of the death and coming up with potential scenarios involving murder, accidents and intrigue are interspersed with flashback scenes from Reeves’ personal and professional lives prior to his passing. The acting is solid and the film is nicely shot, but ends up being fairly boring and slow moving. Many potential situations are explored with no one of them given more weight than any other, which is a refreshing attribute often absent from most of today’s heavily biased biopics. The movie seemed to focus on Brody’s character a little too much, and while it was acted well, the character at its core was a very unlikable Brooklyn-accented mook.

HALO Legends

** - A compilation of eight short animated films based on the mythos surrounding the “HALO” video game series, “HALO Legends” has a couple of decent parts, but is rather poor overall. The first and second shorts (which are narrated origin stories) as well as the last short (which is very nicely animated) are pretty good, but the rest are borderline unwatchable. One of the shorts has an animation style that is so bizarrely blocky and fuzzy that it is likely to give the viewer a severe headache. Another one – which is quite possibly the worst thing I have seen, ever - is done in traditional Japanimation style, complete with big-headed little kids, talking dinosaurs and reprehensible attempts at humor.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

*** - With cityscapes right out of a 1930s Soviet propaganda poster and awesome-looking robots and ships that were gorgeously animated, one might think that “Sky Captain…” would be right up my alley. And when considering the visual aspects only, one would be very right. However, there were a number of things that kept this movie from being rated better than mediocre. Crappy dialogue and silly, forced-sounding banter between the two leads (Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow) is the main reason, along with a pretty predictable storyline. The extensive use of blue-screen and strange lighting techniques that made the human characters seem to have an odd orangey-yellow hue when prominently featured were also quite distracting. It was watchable, but not as good as I was hoping.

City of Ember

**1/2 – I need to start being a little more careful about the genre that movies are listed under when I’m adding stuff to my Netflix queue. This is about the 3rd or 4th time that I’ve gotten burned by adding something that sounded really good from the description, but ends up being a kids’ movie categorized as “Children & Family”. I don’t necessarily have a problem watching what is considered a ‘kid movie’, but in order for it to be really enjoyable it has to be less formulaic and dumbed-down than a movie like this one was. The only real saving graces for “City of Ember” were the presence of Bill Murray and the fact that it had some really nice backgrounds and design work. Other than that, it was just dull and predictable.