The Next Three Days

*** - Paul Haggis, the overrated director of the crummy yet inexplicably Oscar-winning 2006 film “Crash”, takes another stab at the drama/thriller genre with this 2010 remake of a 2007 French film. This time out Russell Crowe stars as a delusional community college professor whose wife (played by the blonde woman from the last Kevin Smith movie) kills her boss with a fire extinguisher in a jealous rage and gets rightfully sent up the river for life. However, Crowe – being the delusional lunatic that he is – ignores all the evidence and continually proclaims her innocence while getting together with some disreputable figures and using three whole years to hatch a complex scheme intended to break her out. Overall, it’s a pretty entertaining film despite some inconsistency in its pacing and a fair amount of ridiculousness in the plot (especially in Crowe’s escape plan). I found myself having a difficult time understanding a lot of the character motivations, though. The wife is clearly guilty of the crime, not just because of the mountain of evidence but also because she has the crazy eyes, yet Crowe goes on a horrifying crime spree (which includes murder itself) in order to bust her out. Admittedly, she is a rather attractive woman, so I could see breaking her out if you have no other options. However, there is an even hotter woman at the playground who quite obviously wants some action from ‘little Russell’ so why bother with the murderous rampage and overcomplicated escape plan? Whatever. It’s still a pretty decent flick.

Millennium Crisis

* - The genre of science fiction is unmatched by any other in promise, seeing as with some creativity, a few good ideas and maybe some nifty effects there is practically no limit to what one could put onscreen. On the other side of the coin, the genre also has amongst the most potential of any to also fail miserably in its attempts and come off seeming laughably inadequate and absurd. Unfortunately for the makers of 2007’s “Millenium Crisis” it is the latter of these two categories into which they have tossed their preposterous flail at filmmaking. To say that this was filmed on a shoestring budget is probably almost literally accurate, in that it seems like the producers sold exactly one shoestring (worth about $0.80 in my estimation) in order fund their embarrassing shambles of a movie. Not only did they decide not to pour any money into it, they also hired a 9th grader to film it in his bedroom with some pack-in computer graphics and editing software and a cheap webcam that he got on sale at one of those little kiosks at Target that are sandwiched between the DVDs and the video games. Oh, and they also asked the 9th grader they hired as director to write the script, into which he put all of his greatest fantasy ideas, such as a scene in which a topless woman has a sword fight with a ninja. I’m serious. That’s actually a scene in the movie. Ted Raimi (the somewhat known TV actor from “Seaquest” and “Xena”) is in the movie for some reason, though. What the hell was he thinking?

Freaky Faron

*** - With a budget that appears to be even lower than that of a made-for-SyFy film, a cast full of nobodies, and a running length of about 75 minutes I had the feeling that this film was going to be one of those cheesy films that is good for a few unintentional chuckles but not much more than that. Instead, it actually ended up being a fairly interesting psychological sci-fi drama with a surprisingly intriguing plot and well thought out story line. Four years after being committed to an insane asylum after inexplicably shooting a TV weatherman, a 16-year old girl named Faron is released back into the general population and becomes embroiled in a mysterious series of murders and other goings-on that actually tie into her past crime and maybe even to alien life on Earth. Sure, that sounds like it has the potential to be pretty bad, but despite its lack of budget and special effects “Freaky Faron” manages to do something that a lot of modern sci-fi blockbusters can’t seem to do; that is, remain interesting for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t say, though, that a few bucks tossed into the budget wouldn’t have helped this movie a bit, as the sets, costumes and design were all pretty drab. Plus, it could have used some real actors, as a few of the people in the cast did a pretty poor job with their lines. Despite those shortcomings, I found the movie to be good enough to keep my interest, which is certainly more than the last multimillion dollar ‘Transformers’ movie did.

3:10 to Yuma

*** - I hate to be one of those people who puts spoilers in their reviews, but with this 2007 remake of a 1950s Western I feel it is necessary because the sole reason it didn’t get a higher rating is because of some of the plot-ruining aspects of it. The premise is that a down-on-his-luck rancher (played by Christian Bale) takes on the job of joining a team of five who are transporting via horseback a murderous outlaw (Russell Crowe) to catch the titular train to a prison in order to earn himself $200. Along the way, they have awkward campfire chats as Crowe picks off the other lawmen and volunteers who are in the group one-by-one by slashing their throats or throwing them off cliffs. Where it starts to lose me is on the first of about a dozen opportunities Crowe’s character has to escape that he doesn’t take advantage of, instead relying on attempts to bribe Bale into freeing him, which seem totally unnecessary. After a number of further squandered opportunities, the pair (now with only a meek railroad tycoon and Bale’s son left as company) end up at the train station. They are a little early and Crowe’s revenge-craving compatriots have arrived and start blasting the place to kingdom come. Crowe then decides for some reason (apparently having to do with Bale’s gimpy leg and his need to impress his son) to cooperate and dodge his own gang’s bullets with Bale in order to get to the arriving train that will be taking him to prison and earn Bale’s soon to be widowed wife and orphaned children some cash. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Other than that stuff it’s a pretty entertaining flick, though.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed

*** - Starting off a movie with about ten minutes of showing two guys silently preparing to kidnap someone by creating a soundproof room, stocking up on supplies, loading weapons and packing gear into a van isn’t exactly the best way to gain an audience’s attention. However, dull (although useful and informative for those who are in the initial stages of their own kidnapping plot) as that beginning is, the rest of this 2009 British film is actually pretty entertaining. It’s not terribly original in story – the premise being that a pair of kidnappers abscond with and attempt to ransom a rich bloke’s daughter – but it does toss in a few unexpected curveballs to keep things pretty interesting. The part of the lead kidnapper (played by the weasel-faced fellow who was Inspector Lestrade in Guy Ritchie’s “Sherlock Holmes”) was very well acted, and his second-in-command was ably portrayed as a sort of submissive wormy guy by someone who looked vaguely familiar but I can’t place. The only subpar performance was by the broad who played the kidnappee (who I believe was a Bond girl in one of the more recent Daniel Craig starring films) as she didn’t seem to be all that convincing when she was supposed to be scared, and she sobbed and whined a little too much. It’s not a bad film overall, though, and pretty much kept my interest for an hour and forty-five minutes, so I guess that’s saying something.

The Fighter

**** – Lowell, Massachusetts: a formerly bustling and successful textile mill town that has fallen on hard times and become one of the easiest places in the world to score crack and/or get glassed by an angry Irishman for an imagined slight. The latter version is the setting for this 2010 biopic about the lives of boxer brothers Dicky Eklund and Mickey Ward. I have no real interest in boxing as a sport (I can’t get past all the punching) so I approached this one with trepidation despite its excellent reviews and a number of Oscar nominations. Luckily for me, there wasn’t really a whole lot of actual boxing in the movie, as it focused more on the completely opposing personalities of the two main characters and how their lives were intertwined with each other and with their overbearing family. I don’t know how accurate the story is but it certainly had an authentic feel to it. Like most movies based on fact, I am sure there is at least a fair amount of truth mixed in with some exaggeration and a few complete fabrications. If I had to guess what wasn’t true, it would have to be the almost angelic nature of Mark Wahlberg’s take on Ward, and the nearly demonic nature of his mother and seven sisters. Be that as it may, all the actors did tremendous jobs in whatever role they had, from the evil sisters to the browbeaten father and especially Christian Bale as Eklund. I highly recommend this even to those who aren’t fond of boxing.

Survivors: The Complete Series

**1/2 – This British sci-fi show (not to be confused with the American reality show “Survivor” hosted by smarmy prick Jeff Probst) that ran for two six-episode seasons from 2008-2010 was based on a novel that was itself based on another TV show from the 70s also called “Survivors”. I haven’t seen the original show and I haven’t read the book, but I’d be surprised if those were not better than this rather dreary and uninteresting show. The first thing that I’d like to point out is that some (but not all) of the acting in this is just atrocious. The lead woman - played by some overweight carp-mouthed lady well into her 40s – did such a poor job that I was really hoping that the strange flu-like virus that killed 99% of the population of the planet in this show would mutate rapidly and take her out so I wouldn’t have to see her act anymore. Especially when she spouts lines like “all the blokes were just trying to get into my knickers”. Darling, trust me, no one has any interest in your knickers. The plot is fairly interesting although it is doesn’t have much in the way of originality, and features characters that are nearly universally silly stereotypes despite the rather large mix of different ethnicities represented. While the show’s abrupt cancellation after two seasons resulted in a rather unsatisfying cliffhanger conclusion, the twelve hours of TV that preceded it were decent enough to sit through, and probably considerably better than many shows that lasted much longer.

Trekkies 2

***1/2 – When I first started watching this follow-up to 1997’s documentary “Trekkies” I got the feeling that this was one of the uniquely nerdy things that occur when a large number of superfans who feel slighted that they weren’t included in something demand that the group responsible for creating that something make some sort of reparations to them. In this case, the reparation is a sequel in which all those people who were denied entry into the first film are featured. And that feeling seems to last about 15 or 20 minutes as Denise Crosby wanders around Europe aimlessly attending some rather low-budget sci-fi conventions. But after that the documentary gets much better as it follows up on some of the more eccentric characters who were introduced in the first film, and also concentrates on some of the more interesting and uplifting people who call themselves “Trekkies”. An example of that would be the group of Serbian fans who have a devout fascination for Trek due to its message of unity and peace which helps them to have hope for the future in their war torn nation where they witness hatred and genocide on a daily basis. I’d gladly trade modern society for a peaceful tomorrow even if it meant having to deal with people wearing poorly-fitting Federation uniforms and pointy Vulcan ears. Okay, so maybe that is not your typical “Star Trek” fanatic, but I found it interesting to see that it does exist out there alongside the more prominent basement-dwelling jobless losers who argue with each other over the obscure minutiae of the shows.

Trekkies

*** - I think it’s safe to say that I am a pretty big nerd. I have an extensive action figure collection, enjoy both “Star Trek” and “Star Wars”, play video games, have just about every episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” on DVD, and read mostly science fiction novels and books on science and history. However, after watching this 1997 documentary about “Star Trek” fans hosted by Denise Crosby (TV’s Tasha Yar from season one of TV’s “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) I also think it’s safe to say that I am nowhere near as bizarre and compulsive as these ‘trekkie’ people. The film portrays avid “Star Trek” fans in a mostly positive (albeit somewhat mocking) light and features interviews of some of the more hard core fanatics you will find as well as scenes at conventions and some snippets of the actors and other people involved with the shows. I think of myself as a pretty easygoing fellow, with a sort of “live and let live/leave them alone if they’re not hurting anyone” philosophy, so if some idiot wants to dress up like Worf and go to Burger King to order a Whopper in Klingon, I say go for it. But, man, some of these people are really creepy, such as the lady who keeps an extensive photographic log of the whereabouts of the guy who plays Data, and the guy who keeps asking James Doohan for a blood sample. What’s he gonna do with a blood sample? Psychopath. Anyway, if you are interested in seeing some of the more extreme examples of “Star Trek” fandom, this movie is a fairly entertaining way to do so.

El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

**1/2 - In this 2007 Spanish-made film, a pair of wealthy do-gooders move to a huge estate out in the country that used to be an orphanage (where, by the way, the female lead grew up) along with their young HIV-positive adoptive son in order to start some kind of care facility for spastics and disableds. However, their selfish and neglectful behavior at some kind of abhorrent re-re party that they throw in honor of their decision to adopt a bunch of mongoloids results in their son wandering off somewhere with his imaginary friends who turn out to be not so imaginary after all. A year long search ensues that involves police, investigators, mediums, some old lady with gigantic glasses, and a huge fat guy who claims to be some sort of paranormal detective or something. Things happen, people are hit by cars, other people fall down staircases, spooky noises are rampant, long dormant secrets are revealed, and then the conclusion drops like an anchor onto the head of poor Wyle E Coyote, leaving the viewer feeling somewhat cheated. I guess I can’t say that this is a bad film. It is decently written up until the end, the acting seems at least passable, the direction is competent, and the scenery is quite nice, but it sure was dull. It is, on the bright side, a film that thankfully never really went for cheap frights, and instead relied on creating a creepy atmosphere, which was fairly well achieved. I wouldn’t really call it a horror film, though. It’s more of a supernatural drama.

The Uninvited

** - This 2009 film, which is apparently based on a Japanese horror flick, tries for a “Sixth Sense” kind of vibe while also adding in some attempts at thrills, but can’t really deliver on either count. I haven’t seen the Japanese version, nor do I know anything about it (hell, it could even predate “Sixth Sense” as far as I know), but regardless of its heritage, this film doesn’t really add anything to the genre than hasn’t been floating around for quite some time now. What this movie fails to do as effectively as Shyamalan’s film is create an atmosphere and tell a competent and engaging narrative. Instead, “The Uninvited” just kind of strolls along leisurely for about 80 minutes before trying to make up for its languorous pace in the last ten by flinging all manner of ‘shocking’ twists at the viewer that aren’t so much shocking as they are dumb. Add to that the fact that there are certain parts that make no sense and what you end up with is a film that tries to be creepy and atmospheric, but ends up dull and laughable. A prime example would be the fact that a plot-important house exploded because someone left the tap running and dropped a lit candle. Yeah, fire + water = explosion, right? Right??? So, I can’t recommend this film unless you’re a horndog who really likes watching 18-year old girls running around swimsuits and underpants, or if you’re a film student who likes seeing clumsy attempts at symbolic horror imagery.

Fetching Cody

*** - A skinny Canadian loser travels back through time with the use of a magical barcalounger in order to save his dying girlfriend in this 2005 Vancouver-based sci-fi film that is basically a cross between “Back to the Future” and “The Butterfly Effect”. While I found this movie to be mostly enjoyable, its main fault (besides the lack of originality in its story idea) was the fact that I had some trouble following the main character’s time jumps. I think this is the result of the film’s extremely low budget, as there were no fancy make-up effects utilized to make characters look younger, and no extra actors to play younger versions of characters, thereby causing all time periods to seem pretty much the same. What saves this from becoming just another crummy low budget sci-fi failure, though, is its sense of humor. The script is surprisingly lively (not to mention littered with extremely foul language) with some really funny lines that are pulled off rather well by the main character and a couple of the secondary ones, such as the lead character’s homeless mentor played by actor/musician Jim Byrnes. I certainly can’t recommend this too highly for those who aren’t fond of time travel films, but if one gives this a chance and is able to sit through the rather dull first 15 minutes, I think the dialogue and self-aware cheesiness may win you over.

The Oxford Murders

***1/2 – To those of you for whom this issue may arise; if you need to start a large fire quickly and don’t have matches or gasoline or lighter fluid, a bus full of mongoloids and a tree can apparently act as substitutes if you happen to have those items handy. That’s one thing I learned from this film. Another thing I learned is that I can enjoy a film enough to give it three and a half stars even if it has like four endings. Frodo Baggins discards his creepy, hairy, over-sized, prosthetic Hobbit feet and clearly homosexual sidekick for a less fantastical tale in this rather subdued but also quite enjoyable 2008 mystery/thriller. Frodo plays an American exchange student who comes to Oxford University to study with an eminent philosopher/mathematician/logician played by John Hurt. Things don’t quite work out as planned, but the unlikely pair end up teaming together to try to solve a series of mathematically related homicides along with their large-breasted but not particularly attractive nurse friend (who has been bopping both of them, by the way) and a few cops. While the end is not very satisfying and definitely goes overboard with trying to toss in twists and turns at the last minute, the viewing experience was actually quite nice. I chalk that up mostly to the dialogue that occurs in the meat of the film between Frodo and John Hurt, which largely consists of mathematical, logical and philosophical arguments and musings. That’s certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but I liked it

The American

*** - This slow-moving and ponderous 2010 spy thriller from Dutch director Anton Corbijn is fairly entertaining, but for being a spy/espionage/assassin type of movie it was quite a bit more laid back and tedious than one might expect. George Clooney stars as a guy who is some kind of hit man or weapons trader or something, who is tracked down to Italy by some people who want him dead for no apparent reason, where he is told to lay low by his handler. He immediately befriends a local gossip-y priest, gets some work on his car done by a mechanic, frequents a busy local bar, and visits a prostitute on numerous occasions, thereby blowing any cover he may have hoped to have had. He is unsurprisingly tracked down by the bad guys where a deal goes bad, a few guys end up dead and Clooney may or not be killed, leaving his new hooker girlfriend crying at the edge of a stream. Where this movie fell down for me was in its decision to not let us know what exactly Clooney did, why he did it or who he did it for. Was he an assassin, an arms dealer, a weapon fabricator, or all of the above? Were there actually people called “The Swedes” who were after him? And who exactly was the old guy he kept talking to on the phone? While all these questions may not be answered in their entirety, enough of it was hinted at to keep the story mostly coherent. It was also very nicely photographed and Corbijn’s direction was solid. Plus, the Italian hooker broad was pretty hot.

La Nana (The Maid)

**1/2 – I put this 2009 Chilean-made film on my queue because it was recommended by the rather attractive young woman who worked at the National Council of Culture and Arts in Santiago when I was there last month. It is supposed to be a ‘comedy-drama’ about a forty-something maid who has worked for one family for 23 years but is afraid of losing her position after some health issues force the matriarch to hire a series of new helpers. The main character then perpetrates a series of cruel psychological games on the new employees including forcing an old lady to climb up the side of building, continually locking people out of the house, and attempting to drown a kitten in a pool. The clearly psychotic housekeeper finally falls seriously ill and capitulates to the final helper the family hires, eventually becoming friends with her and turning her sad, dreary life around. I guess it’s kind of a nice story and all, but it sure is boring. At least 30 of this movie’s 95 minutes are made up of showing the title character do maid-type chores; cleaning the bathroom, folding laundry, washing dishes, etc. Believe it or not, that doesn’t make for a particularly riveting viewing experience. It is kind of an ugly film as well, seeing as it is pretty low budget. The film is grainy, the camerawork is shaky and the lighting isn’t very good. It was also supposed to be part comedy, and I guess it had some kind of funny parts, but certainly wasn’t a laugh riot. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I don’t know.

Hardwired

*1/2 – Cuba Gooding Jr’s distinct brand of underacting and Val Kilmer’s preposterous overacting combine in this 2009 direct-to-video futuristic thriller to leave the viewer with an unfortunate and confusing sort of spastic malaise that doesn’t wear off anywhere near quickly enough. This low budget turkey stars Gooding as a former Special Forces soldier in a near future in which corporations have taken over the world, crime is rampant and there are advertisements on everything (probably not too far from what actually lies ahead). After Gooding is mortally wounded in a car accident, Val Kilmer – playing the part of a corporate goon with weird, greasy hair extensions – has a doctor implant some sort of experimental chip into Cuba’s head that will save his life. Unsurprisingly, Kilmer’s motives are not entirely altruistic, and he and his evil henchmen eventually unsuccessfully attempt to kill Gooding through various means such as guns, weird exploding gadgets and good old fashioned fisticuffs. Kilmer’s overacting, bizarre appearance and odd convulsions are so distracting when he is on screen that I found it almost impossible to keep track of what was supposed to be happening in his scenes. On the opposite side of the coin, Cuba Gooding was so lackadaisical and disinterested in his scenes that I found my attention drifting over to my Blackberry when he was on screen. Those two factors were major contributors to my inability to understand who was doing what and why. Overall, “Hardwired” is a very dull and uninspired film, the results of which can’t possibly be anywhere near worth the effort required to comprehend it fully.

Case 39

** - I guess hoping for two really good movies from an unknown German writer/director was too much to ask for. Christian Alvarter, the man behind the surprisingly good sci-fi/horror flick “Pandorum” is also responsible for this film that was actually completed in 2006 - well before the much better above-mentioned movie - and not released in theatres until 2009. I chalk at least part of the failure of this film up to the presence of the utterly unlikable star of those shitty “Bridget Jones” movies, Renee Zellweger, also being the star of this. I really can’t stand her. Her voice is a rather bizarre and mind-destroying combination of gruff and shrill, and whenever she raises it to level above normal speaking volume it makes we want to knock her down a stairwell. Unfortunately, she isn’t knocked down a stairwell in this movie and instead plays a rather prominent role throughout, unlike many of the other relative stars who seem to fall one by one to weird misfortunes. They actually aren’t weird misfortunes, but are the result of a 10-year old girl who is really a demon of some sort who haunts and kills people by calling them on their cell phones. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me, either. The highlight of this movie (beside the part where you think Zellweger is going to drown) is the acting chops of the young girl in the starring role. She outshines all of the rest of the people in this by being a convincingly creepy demon. It’s still not a very good movie, though, relying on cheap thrills and crummy acting over any sort of substance.

Never Let Me Go

** - I should have known from the title of this one that I was being misled. In one of the more blatant instances of false advertising I’ve encountered, Mark Romanek directs what is claimed to be a “sci-fi drama” and turns out to be little more than a romance flick with a very minor sci-fi foundation in this 2010 British film. I don’t know if the filmmakers, the distribution company, or NetFlix are responsible for this action, but it is clearly promoted as – and I quote - a “sci-fi drama” which is just not the case. The only even remotely sci-fi thing about this film was its underlying premise that there are people in an alternate version of England between 1978 and 1994 that are raised strictly as organ donors. This may seem like an original scheme to people who watch nothing but girly romance crap, but the idea has been done to death in sci-fi novels and films since the 1950s. What this movie is really about is the clumsy love triangle that develops between Keira Knightley, some other girl, and the guy who is apparently going to be Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot of that series (which doesn’t bode particularly well for that failing superhero) over a span of 16 years while they wait to give their organs away. Despite its dopey plot and laborious pace it is actually pretty nicely directed and the cinematography is rather beautiful. That doesn’t make it a movie worth going out of one’s way to see, though.

Salt

**1/2 – Angelina Jolie plays a superspy who may or may not be a double agent for the Russkies in this 2010 actioner that is a sort of combination of “Face/Off” and any given Bond film. There’s a whole lot of double-crossing, triple-crossing and quadruple-crossing going on with Jolie, Liev Schreiber and a handful of Russian guys, and one is never entirely sure (even at the movie’s conclusion) who is aligned with whom. That probably works in the film’s favor, as otherwise it would be pretty dull and predicable. The premise is pretty decent but the actual narrative is flimsy at best and only braced by a lot of convenient coincidences and timely text messages. Without those things “Salt” would be crushed under the weight of its own contrived complexity, while simultaneously being rather monotonous and derivative. Chiwetal Ojiofor (the guy who played the bad ass operative in “Serenity”) was probably the bright spot in this movie acting-wise, as both Jolie’s and Schreiber’s performances were nothing to write home about. The action was pretty decent, though. I watched both the theatrical version and the Director’s Cut, and would have to say that I preferred the Director’s Cut, although the changes made were mostly superficial until the very end. Both versions ably set up a potential sequel though, which is somewhat surprising as I can’t imagine there’s a whole lot more fuel left in the tank for this concept.