*** - A group of six extreme-sporting gal pals go on a spelunking adventure in an unmapped cave somewhere deep in Appalachia only to discover fear and tragedy in this 2005 British-made horror/thriller. Hey, that’s a pretty catchy synopsis. I should write this shit for a living. Anyway, the clutch of chicks (four of whom are pretty hot, while one is rather frumpy and the sixth is one of the more frightening-looking lesbians you are likely to encounter) are hunted and picked off one-by-one by blind, pasty, slobbering, screeching, Nosferatu-looking cave-dwellers whose main means of attack appear to be biting, flailing wildly and sissy slapping. As goofy as it seems, the film is actually pretty entertaining although it starts out extremely slowly and has quite a bit of mundane horror clichés. I think one valuable lesson to be learned from “The Descent” is to never go caving with a group of women, no matter how hot they are. The constant catty infighting and melodramatic jealous rages will annoy you and the inevitable betrayals will probably leave you with an ice axe sticking out of you and weird creatures gnawing at your intestines. That may not seem all that likely on its surface, but that is the fate of at least three of the six main characters in this film, so those are actually some pretty good odds.
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